One day, while counseling another brother, I realized that he, like many of us men, had to go through a cataclysmic and apocalyptic event in his personal life before he sought serious counseling help.
Over the last 7 years, I’ve talked to a lot of women about their relationship issues as they struggle to love a man who will not love them back. I find myself repeating one line, in different ways, EVERY time, “It really doesn’t help to talk to you alone. He needs help too.”
Women who know they’re being cheated on. Women seeking help-just trying to keep their sanity intact. Women who are willing to do ANYTHING to keep their families together. Women who just want to be loved…all seeking answers to their dilemma…ALONE. Now, because I am an equal opportunity helper, I give them straight talk advice about their mistakes, but I always follow it up with, “Now it’s his turn. Your man needs to be seeking answers on how he can fix himself like you’re looking to fix yourself.”
It never truly seems to come to fruition. Many of us men fail to see our own issues. We fail to acknowledge that we have an issue. We’ve usually solidly determined that the only issue that we could possibly have are THEIR ISSUES. We never come to a place of self accountability until it is too late.
Bros, Bruhs, Brothas, and Brothers….MEN… I’ve personally wrestled with some dark days in my life. I know and have experienced carrying the same heavy weights of marriage, family, work and financial “Crosses” that you have to bare. Being tasked to provide financially, while being expected to simultaneously work just as hard or harder to maintain a home is just the beginning. Raising a family and dealing with issues for the first time… confounded, puzzled and secretly ashamed because you don’t know the answers that you (and your family) think you should know. Then there are the personal pressures of intimate relationships.
Men, prior to the road of self discovery and personal accountability, I was a jerk. I’ve been the man who tried to bully his wife into submission by the “Word of God,” entitlement or even by hard words and bad language. I’ve been the man who tried to force his wife to be EXACTLY who she “appeared to be” or who I imagined she was while dating. In seeking what I “deserved” and what I believed was rightfully mine, I lost my marriage and I lost my family. I lost everything that, at the time, defined me. I failed in my relationship because I failed to see that I was the root-cause of my own relationship distress. I failed because I failed to be accountable.
No one taught me. No one talked to me. No one guided me. All I had to go on was a chauvinistic,patriarchal and spiritual bias that basically said I was the head…so be the head. Interestingly enough, it took a man and brother outside of those biases to speak some life and sense into me. He did so when it was already too late, but that seed helped me understand what needed to be changed for a better future. Many of you don’t have that brother who is a real voice of reason… So let this suffice. You will lose it all and It will be your fault, if you don’t Work on YOU!
If your wife has come to you on more than a few occasions to get your help in healing, cleaning, maintaining, sustaining or making your relationship better, then you must respond. Take initiative, look at yourself and see where you can make the difference. Because the truth is this, you won’t lose her to another man. You will lose her all by yourself. True story… from observation AND experience.
Men, sacrifice is not giving up who you are and what you want for the whim of another. Sacrifice isn’t giving yourself up to appease another or make them happy. True sacrifice…REAL Sacrifice is dying so that someone else may live. It’s giving so that they have the propensity and ability to give back. You want a woman to love you like the Church loves Christ, then die so that she can become like the church.
If you’re going to love her like Christ loves the church, man nail your EGO to the Cross on the left, because that’s the thief stealing your relationship. Then apprehend and nail that Hard exterior and selfishness to the Cross on the right, because that’s the thief lying to you about your insecurities. Then YOU lay down on the Cross in the middle because YOU MUST LOVE HER…even while she’s not lovable. That’s exactly what Christ did.
I encourage all of my Bros, Bruhs, Brothas and Brothers out there to seek professional and confidential help to begin the process of your personal change. She doesn’t even have to know. If you’re blessed enough, your job offers an EAP program that will provide counseling…Do It.
The B ottom Line : Golgotha, The Place of Skulls, await your arrival. Either die to yourself OR die to her.
I’m always here for ya’ll. Kenyon D. Martin